My friends need help self harming!?

Question

I really need advice on my friends, i know this might be a bit too long, but PLEASE take your time to read and answer it. I really need help.

Right.. My first friend started to hang round with this gang about 2 years ago. And to cut a long story short, she used to deal drugs for the ring leader of the group. But he made her do it. Once he took her back to his house and raped her when she was only 14. She has never told anybody about it apart from me, and she never will. She hasn't spoke to him since because he moved away from the area. But she still hangs round the rest of the gang.

She got really angry and depressed over what happened to her. So now she does the drugs herself. Weed and sometimes ecstasy. She also smokes and drinks. I think its just a way of controlling what happened to her. Shes really not a bad person, shes really good and intelligent in school. Not an out of control teenager.

She really needs help to get over it but she wont let me, and i cant tell somebody on her. She thinks that she will go to jail, and get her gang into trouble, and they will just come and find her when they get out.

When i tell her she needs help she just say "its fine" but it clearly isnt. She thinks she can deal with it herself. Shes made a promise not to do extacy or see any of the gang, and shes kept that up for 2 weeks. But she still sees one of the gang. Because she going out with him. But he just influences her to take more.

She cant tell her mum because her brother got thrown out of the house for doing the exact same when he was 16. Her whole life is a mess, and she wants to sort it but she wont let me or anyone help her.
I cant let her do it any longer. How can i make her get help?


And then.. my other friend i thought was the most confident, happiest person on the planet. But she told me a few months ago that she is cutting herself too. Whenever me or my other friend try to talk to her about it she just grunts replys. She WILL NOT talk. And when we all discuss stuff together, i feel like there just putting more problems onto eachother sholders, and then weve got GCSE's this summer so theres even more stress.

I don't know what to do anymore! My head is litrally exploding with problems that nobody will let me solve. Please help me somebody!

AHH the whole thing is a mess

Answer 1

First off - calm down! You seem to be pretty level headed and you need to stay that way if you're to help your friends so you have to try and relax.



Now, your friends are troubled people and they are very lucky to have you in their lives but there is only so much you can do for them unless they are willing to help themselves. You remind me a bit of myself actually. I'll do anything for everybody and hate to see the people I love hurting and this makes life pretty hard at times. You want to help and you do what you can but when no one listens to your advice you feel angry and useless. I'm also a recovering alcoholic and this doesn't help matters but it is a situation I don't want to see anyone else get themselves into so I want to help you.



I would suggest trying to find out about any counselling services available in your area and maybe contacting them on your friends behalf. They will be able to offer you advice on how best to help you friends and how to cope with it all yourself. The most important thing here - and I know it's going to sound selfish but bear with me - is to put yourself first. What good are you going to be to your friends if you're not looking after yourself? You need to be strong and to do that you're going to have to be a little bit selfish. Is there any way you could confide in your parents or maybe a teacher at school? This is too big a burden for you to carry alone and you really need to share it with someone else.



I really feel for you and hope that you and your friends find all the help you need but in the meantime feel free to email me if you want to talk. Take care and good luck, XX.

Answer 2

First of all I will talk about your friend who is on drugs and hanging out/dating this one gang member. Do you know how all of this came about? That she suddenly started dealing drugs for this one man, and then hung out with them all the time? How did she meet them and start to associate with them?



There has to be a connection of some sort through either a family member or friends. Sometimes getting to the source of who introduced her to these people, can be very handy, as you can speak to that person and see if they can talk to her.



I myself have never done drugs, only tried marijuana and so many people are under the conclusion that it is the most harmless drug, but in natural fact ANY drug that is a hallucinate or that alters the mind, simply isn't any good at all.



You are taking on way more than you can handle. I know this may seem a little selfish but you have your own life to deal with and your own "battles" to fight. And how can you actually help people who don't want to be helped? People have to be willing, sometimes, to do whatever neccessary to rectify a problem or better thier lives. It seems to me your friend is thinking everything is fine, but deep down she knows that her way of life will get her hurt, or worse, killed.



You need to get the help she needs for her! Call a councillor, tell her mother or father, because they need to know. Wouldn't you want to know if this was your daughter who had been raped and is dealing drugs and hanging around gang members?



(I was raped when I was 22 years old). Parents need to know as they are capable of making the right choice to help their daughter, and YES she needs to be disciplined, and her parents are the only ones to do it. I know this seems harsh, but you could be saving her life. She will eventually thank you for caring so much and helping her to get on the right track again.



If you're that worried about telling her parents then I suggest you go to your friend and tell her this: "I'm going to get you some councelling and I want you to speak to someone professional, and if you don't then you leave me no choice but to inform your parents." That's all you need to say, and then walk away. Leave her thinking about it, and I am sure she will come to the right choice. Her life is what is important, and if you aren't friends after you get her the help she needs or tell her parents, then she was never a real friend to start with. (Sure she will be a little upset and angry, but real friendships get through it).



As for your friend who is cutting, I did this from the age of 17 to 23 (I am now nearing 27), and it is something that usually results from being guilty. Even though your friend might not have done anything, this is a "self blame" act when she cuts herself. Also it can be a pain release for her, or merely a cry for some attention and some nurturing. You need to call someone, talk to a school councillor, offer to go to see the councillor with your friend. But you cannot force someone to talk if they simply won't.



Good luck with everything, and don't forget to have some time to do what you enjoy because you're not a mother or a physichiatrist, you need to relax a little more and try to focus on yourself as well. Although you sound like a great friend to have.



God Bless.

Answer 3

you can't solve the world's problems...just imagine all the drama that is going on in people's lives that you DON'T know about, but they live all around you. Your head would really explode huh?



So when you do come to know the details about someone's life, just realize your own limitations and that after you make some efforts to help, it's simply up to them what they will decide.



Live by example and take care of your own responsibilities, don't let yourself get dragged down with them. Some people are just hell-bent on their own self destruction and yours as well if you let them.

Answer 4

I'm sorry, but you're going to have to tell someone. Rape is a serious crime, as is drug-dealing. I suggest starting with the police. I'm sure you can do it anonymously.



It doesn't really help that her family are the sort to throw one of their own out when they need help, but hopefully the authorities will see this.

Answer 5

you need to convince your friend to go to a councilor - that's the first step. sit down with her and don't drop it until she goes. i'll pray that she meets some Christians who can help her go through this, and it'd be good if you would too. doing drugs and hurting oneself is not going to help or take away her problems - make sure she knows that. it just creates more trouble

Answer 6

First of all, u r not a real friend to her. A real friend never hide things from friend's family which will ruin her life. U should explain the whole problem to one from her family who realises her & u.