How to handle a friend that complains all the time about health problems?

Question

I have a really good friend who I was friends with before her body pretty much started failing. She's always going in and out of the hospital and I feel for her. I feel terrible that she's going through a lot of pain. They still don't know what's going on with her, and I've tried to be supportive. Lately, I just feel like she automatically goes to me for every little problem, and every time we talk, she's always complaining about how she's in so much pain, and how she's hurting and sometimes she wants to die and I'm not saying she doesn't have a right to complain, honestly I would too but it's getting to a point that sometimes I just dont' respond back because she's so negative and I don't know what to say to make it better. When things go bad for her, she goes on like an emotional rampage and kinda lets me have it, and it makes me not want to talk to her because I don't want to be her emotional punching bag. Now I used to complain a lot, but I've been working on it, and I don't complain as much anymore, but I don't know what to do anymore. She legitimately has physical health problems, but it just brings me down when all she talks about is how much pain she's in all the time. What do I do?

Answer 1

Sometimes it takes being around a person like your friend, to work toward positive changes in my own life. I can relate to your story in some ways, because i rent a space from a "friend" who i consider the most pathetic, self-indulgent complainer in the world. I'm so tired of hearing about how her life is miserable, and she does nothing to improve it. She has a home, a husband who buys her anything she wants as long as she whines about it for weeks on end, she can go out anytime she wants, she and her husband seem to have a good relationship and are best friends. She is mean-spirited toward others, says whatever is on her mind whether it's insulting or not, is critical, judgmental. She has some physical problems but won't have surgery (her back), so i have to hear about that! She says they "can't afford it", but they have great health insurance and her husband has money. She also has no friends except one who lives 500 miles away (who only remains her friend because of the distance).



It's come to the point where i avoid her. And i have also taken a good look at my own life, and decided i am more content, settled, accepting of my life than she is. I am not married, struggle for money, have an older car, etc. But i work like crazy on my art, and i get out there and do the things i can afford to do. I also take care of my health. I was in a serious car accident, and yes i suffered for years, but guess what? I never gave up.. i worked hard to walk again and now i hike all over the place, just like i used to!



I suppose we can both be happy that we aren't in the same mental and emotional position as our friends are in, today. When your friend complains show empathy, then change the subject or just get up and go find something else to do. That's what i've done, and my friend over here doesn't bltch and moan quite as much as she used to....



i hope your friend gets a diagnosis and that she will work toward her own, positive life changes.



take care.

Answer 2

Being supportive is the most you can do, imagine if you were in her shoes. You would need your one person to be able to talk to as well, and you would want their true support, understanding and sympathy. Sounds like you are more annoyed by her rather than sympathetic. If you can not be selfless enough to talk with her without feeling down about YOURSELF, then just be blunt and tell her you are not the person she should be talking with, tell her YOU can not handle HEARING about the pain SHE is in. Tell her, she is not the problem, that you are the problem. You have problems with being sympathetic and understanding toward other people. Honestly, if the girl is in that much pain, how on earth can you expect them to be positive?! If i were ever in your shoes I would be darn sure to find ways to brighten my friends day, i would do whatever to take their mind off of the pain, not sit around complaining because THEY, THE SICK PERSON, is making YOU feel down!! So selfish...Just do HER a favor and find a new friend...

Answer 3

She has been using you as her therapist. You have been enabling it. So now that you seem to have the resolve to end it; it will be tough.

Some suggestions are to say:

'I cant take any more of this-its bringing me down' ( when the rampage occurs'

or

"My own Doctor said that I need to be more around positive people. I am so sad that there is nothing I can do to help you since I am certainly not a physician. Lets try to have one visit without complaints!

OR

Just be unavailable gradually.