what is wrong with me?

Question

Im sorry but this is long!! I have wrote this as my boyfriend asked me to go shopping and i found myself in tears for nearly 2hrs! I NEED SOME ADVICE!

There is something seriously wrong with me! This has been like this for at least 5years now and it's affecting my life and every ones around me. I love the thought of feeling like a normal person who looks in the mirror and just walks out their house without a bad thought going through their mind, but that doesn't happen!

Ive been with my boyfriend for 6 years and its not been the best relationship. Theres been some bad things happen that i hate him for but, i love him and feel as though its not going to happen anymore this time! There have also been some good times which override the bad times. Im not going to sit here and say that he hasn't hit me or cheated because he has but I did leave and now he reassures me that it would not happen again but, theres that doubt in the back of my mind that he could do it again and I begin to feel ugly, fat, worthless you name it, I feel it. I havent been an angel.... Last year I found myself drinking quite heavily and wanted to hurt him.. I was kicking him and shouting so loud... The next day I woke up and knew this was wrong!

Before this, when I was 19 I found out that I couldnt have children naturally and the only option was to have IVF! It destroyed me! Totally... from then, my confidence has gone I dont know what the word confidence means anymore! I have had confidence before, I was modelling and doing really well modelling. I was scouted a couple of times in london however, something has gone wrong.

Because of my relationship with my boyfriend, my mother finds it hard to deal with. Hes not allowed in her house. My mum tells me that i look like crap when im with him. My personality changes from being bubbly to nothing! My mum has thrown coke over me then an ashtray full of ash just because she doesnt like me being with this person! Se has also taken loans out in my name without me knowing, and never paid them back and I am in debt because of it! again, ive not been an angel. ive been moody and angry and have argued with her and i feel im to blame!

I love both very much and never want to hurt either but it feels like a battle contantly! Its very very hard!

But this is whats really bothering me! This is my typical day. I wake up and look in the mirror and hate what i see! I fixate on things and it plays on my mind forever and it make me sooo miserable! I cover mirrors and hate having them in the flat! When I put my make up on I want to smash the mirror. If i could change everything about myself and not be me id be very happy There isnt one part of me that I hate! I find myself obsessing over one thing for months then I move on to something else for months and so on.... I hardly go out because its too much for me??! Its sounds soooo stupid but it is hard. All I want to do is stay in so I dont have to feel these toughts! If my boyfriend askes me to go shopping this will end up me being in tears because I hate myself, I dont feel secure and i get paranoid! I hate the fact of somebody making a fool of me when i love them! So id rather stay in!

Whether its me or its just something silly, I feel as though im getting worse! Its affecting everyone around me and I am not this person! I love life! I want to live to the max but feel soooo crap so i dont! Ive also recently been made redundant from my job which doesnt help but thats easy to change! Recently ive been getting these pains in my chest! Sharp pains and it feels as tough im going to have a heart attack if i breathe in to hard. The pain will then lingure for the day and my chest feels tight. So realistically im a 23 yr old women falling apart! lol and realise that it isnt right and want to be normal! So if anybody has any adice on whats wrong with me id really appreciaite it. Thank you x

Answer 1

hunni, you need to go and see someone. we mortals dont know what it is thats wrong with you, but i know that something isnt right. your mum needs to be more supportive, she needs to help you get through tthese times when u are feeling like crap, we all have those days, but you are having far to many! also i think it would help if you and your boyfriend talked to eachother more, you are obviously going through a tough time, and it sounds like you really need eacother, but you need to make sure you are both very secure with eachother. when times like these happen, you do end up getting through them, but what could totally ruin your recovery is him being violent towards you, or cheating again. you sound so lovely, and i bet you are gorgeous, if you werent then why would someone be dating you? he loves you for who you are, not because of how you look. have you ever heard the phrase " its not whats on the outside, but the inside that counts"? well its true, and as long as you are a nice person then there is nothing wrong, but mentally, im thinking a bit more than that. seeing a Psychiatrist could improve things, like your mental stability, which definately needs to be improved. you are losing confidence greatly, and by what you've told me, you are lacking in trus, because of wat you've been through. ask yourself one question, who do you trust the most? and whoever the answer is, then talk to him/her. i really hope ive helped and dont hesitate to email me if you have any further queries.

Answer 2

Leave the boyfriend, give yourself room and time to get confident again, dont be so hard on yourself about the IVF so what? at least you still have that possiblity which is a lot more than other people. There is more to life than children anyway.



You know this isnt you, so you HAVE to be brave enough to give up the things that are getting in the way of you feeling better. Namely the situation with your boyfriend, if he doesnt make you happy leave him, stop feeling sooo much guilt its not good for you!! Put your foot down with your mum. Although on the one hand she may not like you being with this boy for the right reasons, she is also a terrible mum for taking out loans in YOUR name!!!



Just go out find a class, do something you enjoy on a regular basis a hobby anything anything that will stop you focucising solely on your self and your problems. Get out of your head, see whats out there and give yourself the chance to see things in a different light.



Take it step by step!!! Dont expect instant results and dont be hard on yourself!!!



You sound like a great girl, so just remember what you did that made you happy in the past and do it no matter how hard it may seem at 1st!!!



Go for it !!!! You have your WHOLE life ahead of you...



Breath and be BRAVE and BOLD with your actions..



You WILL be ok.



I feel for you, you will be ok.

Answer 3

Okay first of..get rid of the boyfriend!!! If he hits you and brings you down like that then get rid of him. The feelings you have about yourself is due to years of abuse. You used to be a model and loved the way you looked but after the years of abuse and bad comments like "your ugly , and nobody will want you" you begin to go down a spiral slop with no handles to stop yourself. You need to be rid of the abuse Sweetie! Then maybe seek some help!!! As for your mom...She just hates seeing you with a "***" than beats on her baby girl and cant help. Everyone one can see it but now it's time for you to see it! The chest pain should be seen by a doctor! It could be a heart attack or pleurisy. And it hurts when your under extreme amounts or stress. You need help and I wish I was there where ever you are to give it but I am not. But you are a woman and you have power! Your relationship isn't worth your health or life!

Answer 4

whats wrong with u is ur boyfriend, ur a model so people must have liked what they see, u cant have babies naturally so what there is IVF for u, should not be an issue unless u make it an issue.

u wasting the best years of ur life withsome one that probably doesnt deserve u. hes probably form a family with that background and its a norm for him

dont make the common mistake thinking that u can change him